Buck Naked

"We love you, Amy. We cast you. You're a very fine actress," Richard began. "But the network wants us to give Buck a love story which will last the rest of the season. . . ." Cassie picked it up. "And which will take place in the Fifties before your character was born. So, much as we hate to . . ." "You're firing me," Amy said flatly. Buck couldn't resist. "That about cuts it." He headed for the door. "Gotta get back to the set." "Wait." Amy's shrill voice stopped Buck cold. "You can't fire me." "Like hell I can't." "You listen to me." Amy leaned forward in Cassie's chair, the authority position Richard had vacated. "One, I'm the only demographic under fifty you've got. Until I started on the show, your audience was halfway between comatose and dead. I lowered the demographics. I brought up the ratings. Two, the network you've lied about loves me so much, they called my agent to tell me that next season they want half the stories to be about me." "What!" Buck exploded. "You're lying, you bitch!" "Check with your agent," Amy advised. "The network told him, too, but he's afraid you'll fire him, so he won't tell you." She turned to Richard and Cassie. "Three, fire me and next season STONE, PRIVATE EYE will have new producers because I'll tell the network you can't write for me. I might do it anyway. I hate your damned words." Then she turned to Buck. "Four, treat me like gold, Buck, because if you don't, all the fans who think you're some down-home daddy are going to hear what a dirty old man you are. From ME. On LARRY KING LIVE. I'll trash you, Buck, with a tear in my eye. Poor little me, a virgin from Georgia, taken advantage of by a big TV star." With that, Amy got up, and with her shoes in her hand, sashayed to the door. "Have a pleasant day, all." From the Hardcover edition.Burditt, Joyce is the author of 'Buck Naked', published 1998 under ISBN 9780517327876 and ISBN 0517327872.